Times like this, I want to be more sophisticated.

Life has been a true marathon for me and still, I have not seen the Finish Line yet. Today I came back to my room at 8pm, and it was a bless that I felt the temptation to spend the night chilling out, relaxing, being delicated. It sounds like such a simple reward after all non-stopping race I have been through. Tests, tests, tests, assignments, group projects, work. After all, what is the meaning of my life?

I have a boyfriend that I have been ignoring forever. I cannot speak with him in a corny lovey-dovey manner and rarely make him feel loved, I guess:( I do not care that much about growing relationships, caring about my family, talking to my friends, trying to make someone happy, or at least to make me happy. All I strive for has been nominal recognition, achievement, accomplishment, and somehow now when I flashed back how I treated my loved ones, I feel I am a dumb empty soul. 

At least I wish there is some kinds of emotions inside me. But right now, there is no more than an empty rusty old-aged heart that no longers react to surrounding. I rarely feel moved, loved or wants to express my love to anyone. I am sarcastic, doubtful, rude, and mean. It is hard to take on compliments from my American Dad about how kind-hearted I am to volunteer and devote my time to others, but he does not know how I truly think about my ignorance of people right around me, those who have my backs, besides me when I need and support me when I fall. How ungrateful I am :( 

And yet, that is just my personal relationships. I am already a failure at being a good girlfriend who acting sweet and nurtures her relationship, now I am even a failure at living as an interesting person of artistic soul. I like to draw but rarely spend my time to develop a passion for art. I want to play piano but rarely touch my fingers on the keyboard. I want to write but always just stop right when ideas and thoughts start circulating around my head. And sing, I just do not sing if it is not karaoke, and if it is not with my friends. I do not cook, bake, or even read literature! I do not care about fashion and rarely perfume or cosmetics. I do not care about what brand I have to use as long as I look cute in my clothes. 

Basically, maybe I am just an apathetic person with high egocentrism. I believe in my choice and I know that I am great. But at least, I can care more about my loved ones. I should start growing some kinds of habits. If I could, I would want to know how to shoot! Robin Scherbatsky Rockssss!!!