After all, he does not make my week, but he is always the one who makes it complete.

First update: it is not actually an update because this thing happened more than a month ago already, but I already broke up with Tung. Breaking up always sounds like a bid deal to me, not this time though. I have not felt much regret, missing, pains or anything since the day we broke up, Feb 27th. In fact, I feel free to live my life and be the selfish me again.

Yet, I keep thinking of my old boyfriend. Of course, I meant my first ex. He did contact me two weeks ago and asked about my relationship with Tung, but I lied with a straight face. I did not know why I did that. I did not know what I wanted either. I just did not tell him the truth of my break-up. It was really sad that I kicked the electric chord so my the power went out and by the time I was able to restart my laptop, he already left to take his brother somewhere else. But then I kept thinking of him....

Still every Friday evening or Saturday, or even Sunday, I undeliberately turn on skype and hope for his call. I know I should not be like that. I have been trying so hard to get rid of my feeling for him. I have told myself a thousand time to move on, leave the past, find someone else because obviously when a relationship does not have a good start, it is not a good one to keep trying for. And after all, he does not even seem to care about me. I meant care about me ENOUGH to meet my definition of being a boyfriend. Why? Why? Why? He still pops up in my dream and makes me wait every weekend.

I hate the feeling of waiting, hoping, never knowing when he will call. Or maybe he wont. Maybe that it is. We are done. Yeah we were done a long time ago. Why can't I forget him? I hate my weakness, my fragile nature, my blindness, my calculatedness. My characteristics are so contrast that they confuse me. My head tells me to let it be, leave him, love Tung, or at least just move on and love someone else. My heart, however, obviously have been reacting in its own way without even listening to my reasoning, my principles, my belief. Arggggggggggg....

After all, I hate restraining myself but I can't contact him. I wont add him back. I wont message him. I guess I just need to be able to get over this difficult period to eventually get over my first-ex ...